I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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