Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
