when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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