Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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