ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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