My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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