The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
