My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
