Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
