i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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