i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
