I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
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So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
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They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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