There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
