just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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