i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
