Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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