Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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