Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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