Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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