my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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