Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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