After last night, I could never be a politician.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
