Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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