I'm lost and stupid without you.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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