Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize