My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
