Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
As shirtless as possible
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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