I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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