Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I need to sanitize my soul.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
