I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
