I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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