I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
