Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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