if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
