She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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