I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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