fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
