we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
