Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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