i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
