Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
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I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
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sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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