you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
