His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
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i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
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Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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