I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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