my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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