We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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