I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
