party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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