My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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