he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
