dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
