One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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