that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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