I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
