oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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