The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
